I have been relatively quiet these last few months. SO much going on every day. I get that the planet is in the middle of some seismic shifting – turn on the news and you see it happening EVERYWHERE. For someone who preaches on openheartedness and kindness, it has been … well… very very challenging. Yet, one thing that has been present for me is…
All relationships are mirrors into ourselves revealing to us where we need to go with our own inner process.
Everything that is happening is for our highest good. The good, the bad, and the oh so ugly.
Each time we are triggered, it is an opportunity to learn much about ourselves by allowing us to see what may otherwise be difficult to recognize.
There I was having a wonderfully post yoga bliss moment when a black Expedition jumped in front of my car. The man driving the car motioned for me to lower my window and what came out of his mouth startled me. He blamed me for his tardiness because I had let someone else cut in front me. He followed this by saying that I should go back to Mexico or wherever I came from. He sped up and disappeared.
I’m not going to lie… I was fuming. I even for a split second considered chasing him. I blamed our current President and everyone that voted for him. And then…
I remembered… mirror, mirror.
What I do in response in any moment, to any trigger is a reflection of me. Because every single “I am upset because…,”” I am angry because…,” or “I am (insert any emotion here),” is a reflection of me, my inner process, my parts that I love, but most of the time, the parts that I don’t.
Snow White is not the only one to have a magic mirror.
Because when we learn how to use reflections, our relationships and interactions then become one of the most powerful avenues for our spiritual growth. We attract people into our lives that challenges us by triggering our unhealed wounds, making us act from fearful patterns that create separation rather than the connection we seek.
Which is why in our most intimate relationships, we often blame others for our upsets. In our romantic partnerships we look at the other to make us happy, when really these partnerships come into our lives to heal and ultimately elevate us.
More often than not, it is not the present situation that is upsetting us, but rather an unhealed wound rooted in the past.
When we begin to look within, we can see how all of the challenges in our relationships are a reflection of our lack of connection and love with parts of ourselves. As children or young adults, we did not have the cognition or life experience to respond in an empowering way. We instead chose behavior that got us what we most needed – attention, love, to be seen. We do not get the chance to heal and change this until a triggering event happens. The problem is that our habit is to focus on what’s not working on the outside and try to fix it or fix our others. Often using anger and hurt to justify our words and behaviors.
Our romantic partnerships are fertile ground for this since we often are magnets for people to help us complete old stories. I recall a friend who often shared she married her dad twice. First she married her father’s more negative qualities, went into therapy, and then re-married her father’s more positive qualities.
And not just with our romantic partners, but EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP. Every single person you encounter is a reflection of you. Trust me… the Universe does not waste its time on sheer coincidences… the checkout person at the grocery store, colleagues, water delivery person, the snarky teenager, the 2-year-old in full tantrum sitting in the airplane seat next to your, the person that cut you off… yes, even the man in the black Expedition.
The invitation here is to shift your attention from what’s happening on the outside to greater awareness of your inner life. This is where real empowerment begins.
Because when we focus on our internal space and take care of that first, things on the outside begin to align. Things that upset us we can let go, we can forgive, and find a solution.
Let me be clear, this is not an invitation to be Pollyanna-like or to participate in spiritual bypass. This is about being responsible for your own feelings, behaviors, decisions, so that you can be empowered to change them in a way that serves you, your intentions, your desires. Blaming your partner for your unhappiness is the surest way to have more unhappiness and now a partner that is the object of your blame (ahem… vicious cycle).
How to use these reflections for your own spiritual growth?
- Spend some peaceful time alone each day where you can meditate, journal, so you can get more intimately connected with all your parts. Even 5 minutes engaged in a coloring book will help this process.
- Do something you love that connects you with you and supports you loving all of you. I love to garden. Five minutes of gardening helps me feel more aligned and more willing to be in a space of kindness and less likely to blame.
- Remember you are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t give away your power to decide this for yourself.
- Recall the first time you ever felt this way or an earlier time when you had the same experience. If you often find yourself blaming someone else for your unhappiness, can you recall another time when this happened? Many times we repeat in our adult relationships what we were unable to did not change as children.
After having some time to think about the incident with the man in the black Expedition, I can recognize that there are still some parts needing more love in myself, perhaps the parts that are more difficult to love. For me the greatest gift of the moment was coming back to the space of openheartedness. It is easier to constrict, shut down, and create more separation.
Because the more we can love ourselves, the more we elevate this beautiful blue planet.